A Love That Will Not Let Me Go : A Story of Provision

A resounding silence blanketed our office this morning. It’s typically quiet from opening till eleven or so, with the occasional chirping of the phone. With little to do, everyone in the office was reading-- buried behind their respective desks, book of choice in hand, and a sideways smile reflecting the amusement that can only be aroused by the pages of a story . I opened up the daily devotional from Oswald Chambers. March 19: Abraham’s Life of Faith:

He went out, not knowing where he was going —Hebrews 11:8

Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading. It is literally a life of faith, not of understanding and reason—a life of knowing Him who calls us to go.

My eyes widened. I dog-eared the page, highlighted, and underlined. “Impeccable timing, Lord,” I thought. It certainly was. Ever since I’ve decided to return to India this August, I’ve been brimming with questions as to why God wants me to go. And yet God’s voice continues to lure me into action. It’s time to leave. Even though preparations are being made, airline tickets are being purchased, and plans are finalizing, I’ve found that I am still lacking a solid answer to the question that keeps darting my way, “Abbie…why are you going back to India?” I’ve finally succumbed to the fact that I can’t entirely answer that question…yet. And somehow, even though I don’t have an answer on how I will serve there, I’ve had an unmatchable peace in my heart about returning.

The past three years of waiting to return have been a journey in learning that God Himself is the way maker. Generally, when we receive a sense of calling, there is that internal need to rush into action. In reality, the most important action we can be taking is spending more time with the One who is leading, to grow in the understanding of His character and His ways. To learn to know His voice. To learn to love to obey. To learn to take joy in waiting on Him. This pursuit after the leader always results in action—action as He sees fit.

What I’ve been so pleasantly surprised with is how cared for I have felt in the process of waiting. This morning alone was reason to give thanks to God for His provision. My boss came in and pulled me aside to share news with me that had been “heavy on her heart for about a week”. She was obviously nervous as her eyes kept pelting around the room. “Abbie,” she proceeded, “I talked with my boss last week and because of lack of sufficient funds, it looks like we will have to be whittling down many jobs. Even phasing some out. And, I don’t know how to say this, but you’re job might be one of those that will become part-time in the near future”. She explained how terrible she felt that I wouldn’t be able to receive benefits any longer, and how she would completely understand if I needed to leave in pursuit of a better job. Little did my boss know that I had already planned on leaving to go to India. I had kept it from her with hesitancy, because I wanted to keep my job through the month of May for financial reasons. One of my greatest fears in leaving was the “I quit” conversation that I dreaded since the day I knew it was time for me to leave. But God, through His provision, made a way for me to leave without any accompanied unnecessary guilt. It was as if He had hand-picked this job for me for the exact time He knew I would reside in Portland, and now He was freeing me to step in to the next phase of life. Sharon finished by telling me that things would remain as they are till the end of May. The exact date I had planned on leaving. What perfect timing! Pretty brilliant on God’s behalf if you ask me.

Along with God being the great way maker, he is also a beautiful match maker. For the past three years, I have been praying for someone to return to India with. Although going alone the first time turned out to be an enriching experience, I longed for company while I was there. Someone to share the little “nothings” with at the end of each day. Someone to debrief with. Someone to pray with in my language. Someone who fully understood my culture. After years of prayer and feeling the call to return to India, I was ready to return alone again—if that was the case. To my surprise, last week Billy Paulose (the pastor in India) told me that there would be another young woman with me in India at the same time. Tiffany. He gave me her phone number and immediately I called. I was ecstatic. Without reservation, I began to pour out my heart over the phone. Where she should probably should have been nervous about the hysterical freak on the other line telling her what an incredible answer to prayer she was, she was quite the opposite. She was gracious, loving, and returned the same joy. She went on to tell me her story—how she had just returned from a three month solo trip to India and was ready to go back. She and I realized we had almost identical first-time India experiences. I couldn’t have ever on my own planned someone better to go back with. I continued to talk to Tiffany for four long hours on the phone. There was so much to be said…and it was only the beginning.

This week I have felt so cared for, so unbelievably known by God. So thrilled by the fact that “we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10).

This beautiful hymn of God's love (by George Mattheson) has been running through my mind all morning:

O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that foll’west all my way,
I yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.