Dear “Eating Right” Safeway brand microwavable Frozen Meal,Why did you lure me in with your box cover of a beautifully photographed bowl of pasta? A photograph that was so enticing, you weaseled me in to buying eight of you. Little did I know that when I peeled back the plastic mask you were wearing, you really looked more like the cerebellum.
You took advantage of me in a vulnerable moment. You know I am a woman of character and smart-eating choices, and yet you tricked me with your smooth talk and smart marketing.
“Uniting Flavor and Nutrition” you told me from behind the foggy frozen doors.
You should have told me the truth. “I contain modified corn starch and xanthan gum.”
You should have let your true colors shine, Frozen Meal. But even they are probably derived from food coloring, you sack of lies.
“You will make a good companion on those days I can’t cook for Abuelo,” I thought when I first met you. Well, you should have introduced me to your best friends, High Blood Pressure, Clogged Arteries, and Kidney Stones. You really do hang out with bad company.
“Inspected for Wholesomeness by the US Department of Agriculture,” you told me. Since when is fluid retention due to excess sodium consumption wholesome?
You’re so unwholesome-- you could be a metaphor for sin, Frozen Meal.
I’m headed back to Brussel Sprout. He knows how to treat me right.
It's too late to aplogize. We’re not speaking anymore. You can take the rest of your friends and leave my freezer.
(Un) affectionately yours,
Abigail
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